Those were the good old days."- Dale Earnhardt Jr., on track etiquette in the days before
NASCAR's sponsors began to fuss about driver conduct."You'd like it. When asked why he was
marrying a woman 32 years his junior, the man said: 'Yes, I would love a
sandwich.'"- Amy Poehler, of Weekend Update, on Saturday Night Live"I really believe in infrastructure spending...
Gov. The ruling stood. It's round; it's smaller.""Thanks to all the perverts who voted for
me."- Jessica Alba, accepting MTV's award for the Sexiest Performance in a Movie (Sin City.)"For
some people, playing a bipolar nymphomaniac may have been a challenge, but for me, I
think I just played myself."- Isla Fisher, accepting MTV's award for the year's Breakthrough Performance
(Wedding Crashers.)"The publication of these cartoons will cause the world to tremble. Bush"I got to
party and socialize at an Olympic level."- Bode Miller, the U.S. As the years go
by you will become an amusement-park ride. "This week a 100-year-old Tennessee man got married
for the third time; this time to a 68-year-old woman. The Steelers won the Superbowl
in 2006 without her rug suffering."Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship
with his mother, so for the first year you are only a curiosity. And finally,
a bank."- Things a Man Should Know About Fatherhood, Esquire magazine"[African-American Maryland Lt. Michael Steele
has made] a career of slavishly supporting the Republican Party."- Steny Hoyer, (D, MD)"Keep away
from the Australian women or else you will end up in prisons."- advice to his
athletes from the Ugandan sports director"She's pretty aggressive in our cars. They're not the Big
Bad Wolf and we're not the Three Little Pigs. And why did that take so
long? The interest rate was 2%, that's why. Charlie Rangel, after being asked his opinion
of President George W. Fire will be throughout the world if they don't stop."- English
Islamic leader Dr Azam Tamimi"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d!"-
tee shirt"I think a relationship with a partner is intensely personal and I prefer to
keep it that way."- Paul McCartney (early in the divorce.)"We've gone through more hardships than
the Jews and Charlie Brown put together."- Homer to Marge, re marriage counseling, on The
Simpsons"To the vice president's credit, he did own up to it: on FOX News he
said the fault was his; he can't blame anybody else. I amortize my shoes over
20 years."- Canada's BC Provincial Finance Minister Carole Taylor explaining why she wore $600 new
Gucci shoes when presenting the air max france annual budget."We wanted to keep him off the bases."- manager
Charlie Manuel (Phillies) explains Jose Reyes' (Mets) three home runs in one game.Q: "You're the
player. They are good for building rail tracks in Siberia, for example."- Alexei Mishin, champion
Evgeni Plushenko's coach."I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today he would
be doing the same thing."- Madonna justifies including mock crucifixion in her stage performances."Cheney's defense
is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy: which means
that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill
Clinton."- Jay LenoTennis star Roddick about playing the retiring Agassi: Q: "Do you feel relief
that [it] is not going to happen?" A: (Roddick): "Obviously you want to play against
your idols, but then again you don't want to be the guy who shot Bambi.""A
big-city feel, but redneck-friendly."- tourism slogan suggested by President Tim Newman of the Regional Visitors
Authority of Charlotte, N.C., U.S."He scares our German shepherd to death when we are at
home; so we come here."- Sue Mihalyi, explaining why she and her husband Mark watch
Steeler games at a local Pittsburgh restaurant. "There's always the chance that he'll just keep
on running."- his fiance, Leslie Evans."We want to make it clear that if the Pope
does not appear on TV and apologize for his comments we will blow up all
of Gaza's churches."- a reply from the Sword of Islam terrorists, distressed by the Pope's
speech which seemed to associate Islam and violence centuries ago."You can always get new teeth."-
Teemu Selanne, a Finnish hockey player who sacrificed three whites during a quarterfinal with the
US."McDreamy is doing the McNasty with McHottie? That McBastard!"- George on Grey's Anatomy"It's just basketball.
We like to hear it from the horse's mouth." A: (Roddick): "Go buy a horse.""Well,
I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all!" -
Rep. 1 goal is to not go to jail."- Congresswoman-elect Michele Bachmann (R, MN)"If you
are not electing Christians, then in essence you are going to legislate sin."- Representative Katherine
Harris (R, FL)"Paddy was in the wrong place at the wrong time; by the look
of the photographs he was also with someone who was hungrier than he was."- Neil
Warnock discusses (Sheffield United goalkeeper) Paddy Kenny's biting loss of one eyebrow in a restaurant."I
have noticed a marked difference in the way that people respond to me when I
am wearing my colours."- testimony of Hells Angels member Ricky nike requin Ciarniello in a legan action
against an Ontario, Canada court decision that the Angels constitute a criminal organization, saying this
unfairly exposing him to fear, loathing and ridicule. Puppies get killed."- The LOST character Sawyer
[Josh Holloway] summarizes "Of Mice and Men" for Henry Gale [Michael Emerson] (a killer-of-bunnies.)"After 45
years of this crap I've just started to enjoy it."- Pete Townshend, the WHO summarizes
a career."Football's a difficult business; and aren't they prima donnas?"- Queen Elizabeth IIAnd that's the
FunnyPoetry.com funny quote summary for 2006 - the year that Britain finally paid back the
last of the money it borrowed from the U.S. Then, a referee. were carried out
to protest the Pope's remarks linking Islam and violence.' The irony - and this is
often the case, we find - was completely lost on them."- The Daily Show's Jon
Stewart"Yeah, he looked sorry when he was out there doing doughnuts."- Matt Kenseth declines an
apology from Jeff Gordon, who bumped Kenseth out of the way on the Chicagoland Speedway."Years
ago, you used to get out and fight and run around and chase each other
with a jackhammer and stuff like that. We're all grown men."- Cavaliers forward LeBron James,
re Detroit"Here we have an organization supposedly dedicated to preventing cruelty actually inflicting cruelty to
an animal to raise money to supposedly prevent cruelty to animals."- Paul Watson, founder of
the Sea Shepherd Society on the Prince Rupert, BC, Canada's SPCA's plan to host a
crab boil as a fund-raiser for the animal shelter."In the West Bank a group calling
itself the Lions of Monotheism firebombed four churches, telling the Associated Press, 'The attacks ...
Boy it's amazing the only time you get accountability out of this administration is when
they are actually holding a smoking gun."- Bill Maher"Any important Republican who comes out and
says they didn't know me is almost certainly lying."- convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff"It's hard to
forget the day you give up your Independence."- Greg Zamlule, a US citizen, explains why
he chose to get married on July 4, the same day he entered a 5k
race. Olympic skier who went zero for five on Olympic gold."Should I go and get
a ruler?"- LOST''s Kate [Evangeline Lilly], editorializes about a testosterone contest between Jack [Matthew Fox]
and Sawyer [Josh Holloway]."My No. (The original Canadian spelling of "colours" here is not a
mistake - or at least, a very old one by now.)"Drowning has always been my
biggest fear."- Janina Peters, lifeguard."Russian women are not very good for figure skating. military, you
pretty much know you're not going to be fending off invasions from Mexico and Canada."-
Joel Stein, Los Angeles Times columnist"I said a little prayer before I actually did the
fingerprint thing, and the picture; and my prayer was basically, 'Let people see Christ through
me, and let me smile.'"- (Former Republican House Majority Leader) Tom DeLay gets his mug
shot."Something else I've learned about Secretary Rice is she loves the cool Atlantic breezes here
in Nova Scotia, and she left the window open last night."- Canada's Conservative Foreign Minister
Peter MacKay, amidst rumors that the two had a little something goin' on."When you're inviting
people, you don't have to tell them this is a cold place."- Canada's BC Premier
Gordon Campbell, trying to tone down 2010 Olympic promotions."Of course, some of it could be
cops just watching the game and not responding."- Geoffrey Alpert, University of South Carolina criminologist,
about (his) research showing a decline in crimes during the Super Bowl."We ship to all
correctional institutions."- A US bookstore sign, in the age of the Internet."The public doesn't have
a right to know anything."- RCMP spokesperson Staff Sargent John Ward responds to reporters' queries
about Ian Bush's death in custody.Q: "How different was it holding up that plate today
than in Australia?" Amelie Mauresmo: "It's a different trophy. Especially if you catch her at
the right time of the month; she might be trading plenty of paint out there."-
Ed Carpenter, IRL racing driver describes Danica Patrick."I'm glad he's showing some personality."- Danica Patrick
about Ed Carpenter, later that same day.Madonna about her rep for being difficult: "What's the
difference between a pop star and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.""I told
the producers I'd give my left nut to host this thing."- Lance Armstrong, opening the
2006 ESPY Awards"Activities which are not compatible with western standards."- ABC news being politically correct
while describing Hamas suicide bombings."He a very wise man and very strong - although perhaps
not so strong as his father Barbara."- Borat describes the President"I don't support our troops....When
you volunteer for the U.S. and Canada during WW II, according to CNN. (By the
way, Britain's WW I debts were never fully repaid.) On to 2007, which looks ripe
to produce many more fine quotes: if for no other reason than that 25% of
Americans expect the return of Jesus in the coming year according to an Associated Press-AOL
News poll.Elas Giordano's humorous poetry can be found at FunnyPoetry.com - he has also contributed
to CompleteConfusion.com [http://completeconfusion] and BestPaperAirplanes.com.
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